wang

that promos is in 10 and a half weeks time might make me feel miserable (if i am not melvin ng han wei).

that people are mugging for the promos now is heart-wrenching.


blk test is half a week ago. currently in a surreal post-blk test state of mind. or is it a surreal post-sec school state of mind?


sincerely hope i dun offend anyone who read this.

this is a response to david's blog entry 'stuffed'.


there was a time when i tried super hard to make new (real - quoted) frens in jc. i talked and i mixed, within and beyond my class, be conciously friendly (or in other words, conversational) as best as i could, explored the mechanics of conversation and gp dynamics in an attempt at pinpointing the reason for my frustration of not seeming to click off with my class - while at the same time acknowledging dat conversation and hanging out with frens shld be natural and are not at all abt the mechanics - and at that time, pinning my hopes on specific individuals, a course of action and certain events that heralds hope for a future dat is at least a shadow of an unbelievably jolly past (nvr to be experienced again, methinks), and finally, on time.

(As a sidenote... Even back in 2003, i was already wading into the topic of gp dynamics, but at dat time, it was for fun, and with frens.)

i shall elaborate on 'time'. i remembered dat i did not like the class i was allocated to at the start of 2002. i think it was because there were so many strangers, almost like a band of ragtag refugees, hailing from different places, lumped together by circumstances and fate. and that none of my best frens from previous yrs came with me. it is easy to forget that it was not a full 2 yrs in which 4p was so bonded as a class. moreover, i recalled how my closest friendships matured over the months in some cases, and in other unusual funny cases, spontaneously ignited from an unexpected spark, or how some were only realised only in the later half of 2003.

so time was a useful bastion of hope. for with time, frienships, true and unexpected might be forged.


but then, though i cant remember how, why and when, but probably some time in the middle of term 2, i gave up. maybe i grew weary and gave up, became apathetic. just like i grew weary and gave up with this blog. actually this blog was first published (see acknowledgements) because there was a time when i had so many things to say, a time when i saw dat things were not right and i tried hard to change things. u wld noe wad i mean by reading my first couple of blog entries. i think u cld estimate the period when i lapsed into apathy by noting when i started to leave big gaps btw my entries. and dat is why i blogging so little/not at all now. (um.. i think it is not because i am lazy.)

it dawned upon me on one of my frequent musings that for 10 yrs running, i have been quickly replacing my 'best frens' with my new classmates with each new sch yr and a change of class. and each yr, i thot to myself dat i finally understand wad 'true' friendship is abt, and all the while, time wears away my old friendships, subtly but surely. 2004 was the first yr in a decade, where time failed in this aspect. my best and closest frens r still the ones in 4p. and i am reminded of wad more than 1 teacher in ri had said, dat the frens u make in secondary sch r the frens u make for life ('and so treasure ur time in ri... blahblahblah'). the pain of the realization dat 04a15 might/would nvr be like 4p is almost utterly anaestised by my apathy. but the pain of accepting dat 2003/2004 might be the best yrs of my life and over, and the occasional loneliness and melancholy i feel (like when i cant find anyone to go watch spidey with, or to go to coro with, or to stick-fite with) find, for now, no lasting remedy or anaesthestics.


i learn quite some lessons abt me, abt life, abt gp dynamics this yr. i will list a few below:

firstly, i might be more introverted, ie dao, than i ever think i was. and i hav always thought, prior to this yr, dat i am an 'e'. but whether i am 'e' or 'i' has, at least to a limited extent, something to do with the company. i hav said many a times dat i express myself best, and am the funniest, methinks, in responding to others. and with the right crowd, i can be, dare i say, charming. otherwise, i can be dao.

secondly, ... i used to wonder, at the same time when i was exploring the mechanics of conversation and gp dynamics, whether in finding new frens (note: not acquaintances), the common interests come first or the clicking comes first. now i am convinced dat, for me at least, the clicking comes first. click with the person, and the common interests will click into place.

thirdly, i find my greatest happiness in frens, not in a damn zai subject combi, not in a decadent lifestyle, definitely not in excellence. if i had known abt/see this truth half a yr back, wld my jc choice be the same, i wonder. or perhaps i had known this back then, but didnt realise how rare a gem 4p was. 'make ur choice based on things dat u cannot change, not on things dat u can change,' i used to think a while back. dat was when i still felt slightly powerful and confident (of my charm) after 2 yrs of influence and popularity (in my own comfortably-sized sphere), didnt realise dat some things are harder to change than it seems, and some things u will nvr change cos u grow weary, apathetic and give up halfway...


on an end note - in the beginning of the yr, many in 04a15 also felt dat things were not rite with the class and sought to change things. most, if not all of them, now feel dat things r alright/improving. gd for them.


acknowledgements...
david for inspiring this entry with 'stuff'
mud for inspiring this blog - he did so by suggesting dat
blogging was simple.
4p


on another end note, i enjoyed writing this entry as much as i might sound melancholic and u might hav painfully plowed through it. i will probably post my nxt entry when i see smthing i absolutely hav to respond to.

i noe the world is a stage but u dun hav to act out ur life like dat. bitch. u're so fake (for ur own sake, i hope u r ... bitch) u can open a silicon mine.

and u r wondering why u get all the bitchy roles?

quote from the 'odd couple', a neil simpson comedy put up by hc elddfs, "we get ppl like dat all the time. they just crave attention."

there is irony in dat quote. the irony lies in the actress who says it. go figure.



note the irony of me bitching abt a bitch.

(Mutual) Love at first sight... is there really such a thing?

interact for first 3 months (not a literal first 3 months, but a so-to-speak first 3 months) for me was a weekly service on friday to Balastier Special School, helping the teachers in a class for autistic children. i hav just concluded my last visit on last friday, and i shall now commit to ink (not literal ink, but so-to-speak ink) my memories, so dat i might remember, or at least, recall.

teachers' names: joseph (who will hav commemorated half a century of living on this earth by the end of this yr) and zhi long

class: fat ashneer, cheeky kenneth, lazy sabir, orderly shu qiang

Ashneer is fat, from waking up too late in the morning and thus eating a overly heavy meal of breakfast and lunch combined, snacking on too much oily indian tidbits and stealing the others' snacks as well. he is going on a diet now. i wish him all the luck. perservere ashneer!

last friday, i saw him asking for a message from zhi long. and then they start wrestling (with zhi long saying things like 'u lose, i win!' or 'i am gonna hurt u'). now dat i think bout it, perhaps it is all part of the plan to help ashneer lose weight. hmmm.

few weeks back, he was sitting on this plastic playhouse swing in the playground and spinning around so dat the ropes got entangled, 'trapping' him to the seat. the whole playhouse was creaking dangerously and being 'sucked' towards his immense weight. the teachers say to let him be, so dat he wont get angry. i hope dat

Kenneth, the most vocal of them all, and the clearest speech. rather unlike most

i am pissed with my mother, and not for the first time, and for a similar reason as quite a number of times before. she did something which can only be described as despicable. she threw my clothes away. 2 t-shirts - my very best. t-shirts which the 4p ppl might remember - a grey giordano and a wombat t-shirt i bought from perth. it was all the more unscrupulous and comtemptible, cos she did the despicable act behind my back, and didnt even bother to mention it, probably hoping, foolishly, dat i might not notice the loss of my 2 favourite t-shirts!

they hav indeed become quite worn, but is it not my business dat i like my clothes holey?! she said dat i embarrassed her when i wear it outside, but the only person who i know of dat wld notice and make a big fuss of other ppl's (strangers at dat) clothes instead of minding their own business, is my mother. besides, i hav been quite concious about not wearing 'home' clothes when i am going to town or out with my frens now a days. heck! i hardly even go to my grandmas' houses in 'home' clothes now a days, and everybody wears home clothes at my grandmas' houses! she then pointed out dat she remembered seeing me (poking the holes in my shirt and being very irritating actually) in the grey giordano in the lift the other day, which means dat i must hav stepped out of the house in those clothes. yes, but i went to play badmintion! am i suppose to wear 'townwear' to play badminton?! so dat i can look gd while playing badminton?! so dat i wont embarrass my parents in front of the other badminton players?! cos they wld all be in their smart looking wear?! and looking out for ppl (god noes why!) who wld actually dare dress shabbily and stepped out of their house?! and go tsk tsk tsk?! instead of minding their own business with their own games?! then she ended off her argument with a 'i just dont want a begger in my house'... for those who understand, diao! as if she doesnt dress shabbily at home, or dat her dress sense is so much better than mine! or as if anyone at home wld for even a split second forget dat i am actually not a begger! for dat matter, as if anyone on the streets wld actually for even a split second think or care dat i might be a begger cos of the clothes i wear! and surely they wld also not care to think, 'wad kind of parents wld actually allow their son to wear such clothes?'! and if nobody cares, and i - I - dun care, i dun see why my mother shld care!

now i am running a shortage crisis (i had barely enough before) of comfy home clothes to wear at home, and none left which are of the same quality, or mean as much to me, as the 2 dat were disposed of. to ensure dat i continue to hav anything to wear at home at all, i hav decided to take drastic measures... i will now be placing my very best clothes in a locked drawer in my study/comp room and hide the key. may my wardrobe be forever free from pillaging hands!



the crisis continues... in sch.



the hc uniform! they call the hc uniform, affectionately(?), a gunny sack. i used to think dat they were referring to the look of it, and i was okay with it. now, i noe dat it not only looks like a gunny sack, it feels like u r wearing one when u put it on. only much better. everyone shld try it! instantly feels like u r buried in the sahara sands when u put it on. unbelievable feel! and when u move, it feels like u r being grinded between sandpaper! if u stand in the noon sun, u will be piping hot and ready to go in no time! if u r kenneth(sorry), u will hav a personal swimming pool in no time! and for all those wonderful features, it is only reasonable dat u r expected to pay an unreasonably hefty price for it!

wld be wearing it on monday. an ultimatum was issued on thurs. well, i put it off for as long as i cld. (one of the) last rafflesian standing (in hc).



i was always told dat coming to jc, u wld be forced out of ur comfort zone. i nvr thot dat they meant it dis way :(

firstly, my previous entry was not abt my own blog. if u didnt get dat, gd (not meant for u). if u dun get this, forget it.

just like to add smthing extra dat i hav thot abt to my previous entry, just for my future reference. some times, it is not dat u dun like a person more than another, but rather u noe him/her more than the other. perhaps if we all noe everyone else on a deeper lvl, than we will find dat we dun really like a lot of/most ppl. i suppose dats why u hav frens and u hav gd frens. keep in mind dat frens dun hav to be gd frens for them to be gd frens though.



how's dat for an awkward beginning to a blog entry.

1st week of 2nd term was an emotional one. ppl i noe were leaving hc, most not of their own choosing, 1, in particular, a rafflesian who went to rj - of her own choosing, for reasons i can sympathize with. i hav chosen not to write (or more accurately, post) abt certain sad things and thots during dat first week. i hav actually posted an entry on these certain things and thots - which i deleted from my blog but is still somewhere on my comp. the reasons for which i hav decided to delete dat post was a hunch dat sadness might be manufactured and i did not want to perpetuate, with unnecessary sad writing, my melancholy or a line of thinking dat might lead me to live in regret for 2 yrs.

i feel, without any obvious reason, happy now. not a strong emotion, much less in response to anything dat happen in particular (like hc trashing rj in waterpolo). just a general, vague, in fact, almost undetectable(?) feeling of happiness.

maybe i am tired of feeling lonely, bored and sad. maybe i am putting my past behind (not a sad past, but an deliriously happy past, which has served to remind me in the more recent past, of how sad i am(was)).

maybe i am just saying dat i am happy to perpetute a desired feeling of happiness. just like how the gov talks up the economy. but who cares, as long as the economy improves?