wang

2004-07-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

that promos is in 10 and a half weeks time might make me feel miserable (if i am not melvin ng han wei).

that people are mugging for the promos now is heart-wrenching.

blk test is half a week ago. currently in a surreal post-blk test state of mind. or is it a surreal post-sec school state of mind?

sincerely hope i dun offend anyone who read this.

2004-07-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

this is a response to david's blog entry 'stuffed'.

there was a time when i tried super hard to make new (real - quoted) frens in jc. i talked and i mixed, within and beyond my class, be conciously friendly (or in other words, conversational) as best as i could, explored the mechanics of conversation and gp dynamics in an attempt at pinpointing the reason for my frustration of not seeming to click off with my class - while at the same time acknowledging dat conversation and hanging out with frens shld be natural and are not at all abt the mechanics - and at that time, pinning my hopes on specific individuals, a course of action and certain events that heralds hope for a future dat is at least a shadow of an unbelievably jolly past (nvr to be experienced again, methinks), and finally, on time.

(As a sidenote... Even back in 2003, i was already wading into the topic of gp dynamics, but at dat time, it was for fun, and with frens.)

i shall elaborate on 'time'. i remembered dat i did not like the class i was allocated to at the start of 2002. i think it was because there were so many strangers, almost like a band of ragtag refugees, hailing from different places, lumped together by circumstances and fate. and that none of my best frens from previous yrs came with me. it is easy to forget that it was not a full 2 yrs in which 4p was so bonded as a class. moreover, i recalled how my closest friendships matured over the months in some cases, and in other unusual funny cases, spontaneously ignited from an unexpected spark, or how some were only realised only in the later half of 2003.

so time was a useful bastion of hope. for with time, frienships, true and unexpected might be forged.

but then, though i cant remember how, why and when, but probably some time in the middle of term 2, i gave up. maybe i grew weary and gave up, became apathetic. just like i grew weary and gave up with this blog. actually this blog was first published (see acknowledgements) because there was a time when i had so many things to say, a time when i saw dat things were not right and i tried hard to change things. u wld noe wad i mean by reading my first couple of blog entries. i think u cld estimate the period when i lapsed into apathy by noting when i started to leave big gaps btw my entries. and dat is why i blogging so little/not at all now. (um.. i think it is not because i am lazy.)

it dawned upon me on one of my frequent musings that for 10 yrs running, i have been quickly replacing my 'best frens' with my new classmates with each new sch yr and a change of class. and each yr, i thot to myself dat i finally understand wad 'true' friendship is abt, and all the while, time wears away my old friendships, subtly but surely. 2004 was the first yr in a decade, where time failed in this aspect. my best and closest frens r still the ones in 4p. and i am reminded of wad more than 1 teacher in ri had said, dat the frens u make in secondary sch r the frens u make for life ('and so treasure ur time in ri... blahblahblah'). the pain of the realization dat 04a15 might/would nvr be like 4p is almost utterly anaestised by my apathy. but the pain of accepting dat 2003/2004 might be the best yrs of my life and over, and the occasional loneliness and melancholy i feel (like when i cant find anyone to go watch spidey with, or to go to coro with, or to stick-fite with) find, for now, no lasting remedy or anaesthestics.

i learn quite some lessons abt me, abt life, abt gp dynamics this yr. i will list a few below:

firstly, i might be more introverted, ie dao, than i ever think i was. and i hav always thought, prior to this yr, dat i am an 'e'. but whether i am 'e' or 'i' has, at least to a limited extent, something to do with the company. i hav said many a times dat i express myself best, and am the funniest, methinks, in responding to others. and with the right crowd, i can be, dare i say, charming. otherwise, i can be dao.

secondly, ... i used to wonder, at the same time when i was exploring the mechanics of conversation and gp dynamics, whether in finding new frens (note: not acquaintances), the common interests come first or the clicking comes first. now i am convinced dat, for me at least, the clicking comes first. click with the person, and the common interests will click into place.

thirdly, i find my greatest happiness in frens, not in a damn zai subject combi, not in a decadent lifestyle, definitely not in excellence. if i had known abt/see this truth half a yr back, wld my jc choice be the same, i wonder. or perhaps i had known this back then, but didnt realise how rare a gem 4p was. 'make ur choice based on things dat u cannot change, not on things dat u can change,' i used to think a while back. dat was when i still felt slightly powerful and confident (of my charm) after 2 yrs of influence and popularity (in my own comfortably-sized sphere), didnt realise dat some things are harder to change than it seems, and some things u will nvr change cos u grow weary, apathetic and give up halfway...

on an end note - in the beginning of the yr, many in 04a15 also felt dat things were not rite with the class and sought to change things. most, if not all of them, now feel dat things r alright/improving. gd for them.

acknowledgements...
david for inspiring this entry with 'stuff'
mud for inspiring this blog - he did so by suggesting dat
blogging was simple.
4p

on another end note, i enjoyed writing this entry as much as i might sound melancholic and u might hav painfully plowed through it. i will probably post my nxt entry when i see smthing i absolutely hav to respond to.

2004-05-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

i noe the world is a stage but u dun hav to act out ur life like dat. bitch. u're so fake (for ur own sake, i hope u r ... bitch) u can open a silicon mine.

and u r wondering why u get all the bitchy roles?

quote from the 'odd couple', a neil simpson comedy put up by hc elddfs, "we get ppl like dat all the time. they just crave attention."

there is irony in dat quote. the irony lies in the actress who says it. go figure.

note the irony of me bitching abt a bitch.

2004-05-22T09:20:00.001-07:00

(Mutual) Love at first sight... is there really such a thing?

2004-04-19T04:31:00.000-07:00

interact for first 3 months (not a literal first 3 months, but a so-to-speak first 3 months) for me was a weekly service on friday to Balastier Special School, helping the teachers in a class for autistic children. i hav just concluded my last visit on last friday, and i shall now commit to ink (not literal ink, but so-to-speak ink) my memories, so dat i might remember, or at least, recall.

teachers' names: joseph (who will hav commemorated half a century of living on this earth by the end of this yr) and zhi long

class: fat ashneer, cheeky kenneth, lazy sabir, orderly shu qiang

Ashneer is fat, from waking up too late in the morning and thus eating a overly heavy meal of breakfast and lunch combined, snacking on too much oily indian tidbits and stealing the others' snacks as well. he is going on a diet now. i wish him all the luck. perservere ashneer!

last friday, i saw him asking for a message from zhi long. and then they start wrestling (with zhi long saying things like 'u lose, i win!' or 'i am gonna hurt u'). now dat i think bout it, perhaps it is all part of the plan to help ashneer lose weight. hmmm.

few weeks back, he was sitting on this plastic playhouse swing in the playground and spinning around so dat the ropes got entangled, 'trapping' him to the seat. the whole playhouse was creaking dangerously and being 'sucked' towards his immense weight. the teachers say to let him be, so dat he wont get angry. i hope dat

Kenneth, the most vocal of them all, and the clearest speech. rather unlike most

2004-03-26T04:32:00.002-08:00

i am pissed with my mother, and not for the first time, and for a similar reason as quite a number of times before. she did something which can only be described as despicable. she threw my clothes away. 2 t-shirts - my very best. t-shirts which the 4p ppl might remember - a grey giordano and a wombat t-shirt i bought from perth. it was all the more unscrupulous and comtemptible, cos she did the despicable act behind my back, and didnt even bother to mention it, probably hoping, foolishly, dat i might not notice the loss of my 2 favourite t-shirts!

they hav indeed become quite worn, but is it not my business dat i like my clothes holey?! she said dat i embarrassed her when i wear it outside, but the only person who i know of dat wld notice and make a big fuss of other ppl's (strangers at dat) clothes instead of minding their own business, is my mother. besides, i hav been quite concious about not wearing 'home' clothes when i am going to town or out with my frens now a days. heck! i hardly even go to my grandmas' houses in 'home' clothes now a days, and everybody wears home clothes at my grandmas' houses! she then pointed out dat she remembered seeing me (poking the holes in my shirt and being very irritating actually) in the grey giordano in the lift the other day, which means dat i must hav stepped out of the house in those clothes. yes, but i went to play badmintion! am i suppose to wear 'townwear' to play badminton?! so dat i can look gd while playing badminton?! so dat i wont embarrass my parents in front of the other badminton players?! cos they wld all be in their smart looking wear?! and looking out for ppl (god noes why!) who wld actually dare dress shabbily and stepped out of their house?! and go tsk tsk tsk?! instead of minding their own business with their own games?! then she ended off her argument with a 'i just dont want a begger in my house'... for those who understand, diao! as if she doesnt dress shabbily at home, or dat her dress sense is so much better than mine! or as if anyone at home wld for even a split second forget dat i am actually not a begger! for dat matter, as if anyone on the streets wld actually for even a split second think or care dat i might be a begger cos of the clothes i wear! and surely they wld also not care to think, 'wad kind of parents wld actually allow their son to wear such clothes?'! and if nobody cares, and i - I - dun care, i dun see why my mother shld care!

now i am running a shortage crisis (i had barely enough before) of comfy home clothes to wear at home, and none left which are of the same quality, or mean as much to me, as the 2 dat were disposed of. to ensure dat i continue to hav anything to wear at home at all, i hav decided to take drastic measures... i will now be placing my very best clothes in a locked drawer in my study/comp room and hide the key. may my wardrobe be forever free from pillaging hands!

the crisis continues... in sch.

the hc uniform! they call the hc uniform, affectionately(?), a gunny sack. i used to think dat they were referring to the look of it, and i was okay with it. now, i noe dat it not only looks like a gunny sack, it feels like u r wearing one when u put it on. only much better. everyone shld try it! instantly feels like u r buried in the sahara sands when u put it on. unbelievable feel! and when u move, it feels like u r being grinded between sandpaper! if u stand in the noon sun, u will be piping hot and ready to go in no time! if u r kenneth(sorry), u will hav a personal swimming pool in no time! and for all those wonderful features, it is only reasonable dat u r expected to pay an unreasonably hefty price for it!

wld be wearing it on monday. an ultimatum was issued on thurs. well, i put it off for as long as i cld. (one of the) last rafflesian standing (in hc).

i was always told dat coming to jc, u wld be forced out of ur comfort zone. i nvr thot dat they meant it dis way :(

2004-03-26T04:32:00.001-08:00

firstly, my previous entry was not abt my own blog. if u didnt get dat, gd (not meant for u). if u dun get this, forget it.

just like to add smthing extra dat i hav thot abt to my previous entry, just for my future reference. some times, it is not dat u dun like a person more than another, but rather u noe him/her more than the other. perhaps if we all noe everyone else on a deeper lvl, than we will find dat we dun really like a lot of/most ppl. i suppose dats why u hav frens and u hav gd frens. keep in mind dat frens dun hav to be gd frens for them to be gd frens though.

how's dat for an awkward beginning to a blog entry.

1st week of 2nd term was an emotional one. ppl i noe were leaving hc, most not of their own choosing, 1, in particular, a rafflesian who went to rj - of her own choosing, for reasons i can sympathize with. i hav chosen not to write (or more accurately, post) abt certain sad things and thots during dat first week. i hav actually posted an entry on these certain things and thots - which i deleted from my blog but is still somewhere on my comp. the reasons for which i hav decided to delete dat post was a hunch dat sadness might be manufactured and i did not want to perpetuate, with unnecessary sad writing, my melancholy or a line of thinking dat might lead me to live in regret for 2 yrs.

i feel, without any obvious reason, happy now. not a strong emotion, much less in response to anything dat happen in particular (like hc trashing rj in waterpolo). just a general, vague, in fact, almost undetectable(?) feeling of happiness.

maybe i am tired of feeling lonely, bored and sad. maybe i am putting my past behind (not a sad past, but an deliriously happy past, which has served to remind me in the more recent past, of how sad i am(was)).

maybe i am just saying dat i am happy to perpetute a desired feeling of happiness. just like how the gov talks up the economy. but who cares, as long as the economy improves?

2004-03-26T04:32:00.000-08:00

blogs (some) reveal some things deeper abt a person than wad u usually see (are allowed to see) on the surface of some ppl. 1, if u dun like wad u see, keep in mind dat u dun hav to see it, or treat it seriously. 2, it shldnt concern or affect u in any way dat one seems to be blogging contradictory to how one behaves in real life, or indeed dat one does not seem to sound consistent from entry to entry. most ppl dun reveal their true feelings and thots to most ppl anyway, and ppl do look at things differently, and with different perspectives and attitudes at different times, and over time. wadever is written in a blog, most of the times, is not fake. (to bloggers: if it is fake, why bother with a blog? purely for fun, perhaps?) so spare them. 3, perhaps u r just too accustomed to ur deep end of ur pool, and just not used to wading in shallower waters. keep in mind though, dat everyone starts from shallow water and moves on progressively to the deep end, no?

2004-03-22T06:16:00.000-08:00

most ppl wld say i have done nothing constructive and accomplished next to zilch during the 1-week holiday. dat wld be their opinion.

rj-hc softball match. i shall go straight to the 3rd inning, the inning where rj overcame all odds to tie with hc 6-6, down from a 6-0 score, wherefrom we witness the awesome rafflesian spirit! ... ...

by the time rj's first batter was out, rj had already scored 3 runs. hc went on to end up in a precarious situation with rj having scored 6 runs, all bases loaded and still only 1 batter out. all rj needed was just 1 more run to end the game there and then. but hc fought on, and striking(?) 2 batters out in a row, forced the game to an extra tie-breaker inning...

where they eventually lost.

but their fighting spirit was evident as it was.

it was a gd and exciting match.

come nationals...

a number of ppl, both from hc and rj, asked me which side i am supporting dat day. if the ans is not obvious, i supported hc. i sat at the rj's bench simply cos it was where my frens were.

my loyalties... i support my frens in the rj's team, just not the rj team, when they r playing hc. i wld support rj if they are not up against hc. i wld nvr put my loyalty with tchs, even after they merge with hc next yr.

the rafflesian spirit... i didnt think i felt it in my last couple of yrs in ri. i dun think i feel it now. the rafflesian culture is very much one of striving for excellence. striving for excellence is smthing i very much dun believe in now.

in dat sense, i entered ri resembling a rafflesian, more so than when i left ri 4 yrs later! i hav changed in many ways, but i shall not credit it to ri. rather, it was 3p/4p which played the largest role in shaping me into the way i am now. 3p/4p provided an environment which probably could not be found anywhere else in ri, cos it was contradictory to the whole ri environment, and it was in 3p/4p, dat i changed the most. and spent the happiest time of my (whole?) life. i dun think i miss ri, i miss 4p. if i hav left any legacy behind in my sec school yrs, it wld not be in ri, but in 4p.

i derived almost all my happiness from being with frens. i hav yet to find more than a couple of frens, with whom i feel really happy with, in my class. i am looking beyond the class... but some of the closer frens i hav hav to appeal. they probably got their appeal results liao. will find out tmr.

probably too late to wish anyone luck. happiness to all then, including me.

2004-03-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

"hahhaa...today was so damn cool i just hafta blog about it.."

in the morning, i went to hwachong for council exposee (with a funny symbol above the second e, dat is usually found above e's in french words to give it an 'eh' sound). (exposee is the french word for expose i think. surprisee, eh?)

argggh, getting lame. shld now get back to wad i wanted to say. limp back, to be precise. argggh.

some time during the exposee, we sang hwachong school songs. not the communist sch song, but the liang wenfu's xinyao (think xi shui chang liu - narrow waters long flow), and i was once again reminded of why i like the sch songs so much, bsides the fact dat it is a refreshing break from 'hands in hands' which i think had a lousy tune (at least when sang by ri boys who mostly cant sing, to be fair to the song) and crappy lyrics. the hwachong sch songs have catchy tunes and meaningful lyrics. in the past 3 months alone, there were numerous times when i find myself relating to the content of the songs.

at the exposee, i thot to myself, dat having an impetus to learn and sing the songs wld almost be reason enuf for me to join council. (and to a lesser extent, there were the mass dances. if i learn how to do the dances, i wld be able to show off to the show-off victorians the nxt time i see them)

as a sidenote, hwachong does not have batch songs, just a number of sch songs dat everyone noes, or shld noe. and yes, the songs r in chinese. (not the dances, dammit!)

and of course i didnt decide to run for council to learn the sch songs and dances! (a minor!) part of the reason was to get into better shape though. council is not physically demanding, nor does it conditon the body as umm... swimming or rugby do. but there will be many chances to get worn out, after a long day, and when i am worn out, i dun enjoy eating (save cold icy desserts). eat less = less fat! if dat works, then i might actually decide to go on to pumping muscles (or passing napfa)!

went to padang in the afternoon. took bus 171 from hc with a gal from a11. talked a bit b4 she dropped off, leaving me alone and lonely on the rest of the long trip, thru the city jam, to city hall.

maybe its just me, but i think my class (the humans classes actually), as a whole, r less nice (and less fun?) than the other arts classes.

anyway, went padang. watched softball. watched some rugby. note dat the no of ppl from 4p in softball now has more than doubled. (thks to class softball?) note dat zhe is in judo. (actually i found dat out a day b4). found out dat kayhian is in fencing. (is dat rite?) note the funny and unexpected things dat happen in ppl's lives.

wldnt it be funny too if i got into council? if i make it into council, i can think of only one reason i wld try to run for headboy, or wadever u call it in hc. and dat is cos it wld be damned funny! no? i imagine saying hi to bert in some inter-sch events where the student councils meet. face to face, head to head, unless of course bert does not become headboy (haha! who am i kidding?) is dat not funny or wad?

rj vs hc next sat! it will be exciting. and interesting for me. but i hav something on then :( wonder if i will anyway... hmm.

anyway, i left early for jts. so i miss the conclusion of the rj-vj match. so which team won?

jts! bbq at ian's house. dark skies, flashes of lightning and resounding thunder. not to mention the wind! and the falling leaves. reminded me of a line in a du fu poem dat i recently memorized (the day b4 actually) - ba yue qiu gao feng nu hao. in the month of august, in the midst of autumn, the wind angrily howls. it wasnt august. the wind wasnt all dat strong, but it sure felt like autumn. must be the falling leaves.

anyway, all dat romantic build-up led to a climatic downpour. -i like the rain. it smells and looks gd. kind of inspirational, like the night. btw, hwachong looks beautiful shrouded in mist and rain. like some scene out of lotr.- the bbq pits were sheltered, so no, the bbq was not ruined, and thus, i think the downpour was a gd thing.

have i mentioned the pool? there is a pool, set admist the scenic tropical setting of coconut trees. (no, it wasnt fronds from the coconut trees dat i was referring to when i said above dat leaves were falling. they have other trees too.) the pool was perfect for dunking, if not for the fact dat some stupid ppl (xcuse me) decided to drench themselves in the downpour b4 they had a chance to be dunked. oh! wad fun to be dunked! esp since i am all wet now. oh! the thrill... of getting wetter! to be fair, i suppose it was fun to stand in the rain. exhilarating even! considering dat lightning flashed every five seconds or so.

i decided to enter the pool after the rain (and lightning) stopped. i had a lot of fun, in fact the most fun i had with my class (actually the only time i really had fun with my class) since orientation. by the way, all the i's, for some reason or another, did not go.

if u r concerned, no long got bolted to death (or to any extent of injury). sadly, a handphone was destroyed after someone got dunked, and a contact lens dat dropped out was not found. a zebra nearly joined the list of casualties but was somehow retrieved from the murky depths (3-metres) of the pool and now a gift from me to my sister. though no one was struck by lightning, there were a number of cases of drunk diving which led to drowning, they thankfully did not. excuse my inappriopriately frivolous tone.

have i mentioned dat there was a diving board? there is a diving board. it was not high. but we got our kick.

the food was great! bbq marshmallows with hotdogs cocktails! rice cakes! chicken wings! i helped with the eating. kind of ashamed dat i wasnt involved with the preparation of the food. appreciation to all those who have, in one way or another, contributed to bringing such delicacies to my mouth.

2004-03-10T05:43:00.000-08:00

one of my seniors said dat ppl r more real in their secondary schools. wad he meant was ppl r more fake in jc.

there r friends. there r acquaintances. and there acquaintances masked as friends.

how many friends do u/i have?

j2s r having their block tests (common test?) now. if u come to my class b4 assesmbly in the morning, u wont be able to tell if it is the j1s or the j2s who r having block tests.*

i cant help but think dat perhaps i hav spent the 2 happiest (funniest?... humour, i miss u) yrs in my life liao. (or until i find my love) and it has passed just like dat.

plans (woah!) for the holiday (the one dat is nxt week):
-mug for hist test dat is on the 2nd week of 2nd term (woah! woah!)
-mug econs (woah! woah! woah!), cos i no longer see the logic in wad my econs tutor is saying anymore
-read my chinese notes and memorise 3 du fu poems (woah! x4)
-prepare for my election campaign (woah!?)
-go out with friends

*wonder if my class is a mugger class.

2004-03-07T04:30:00.000-08:00

edited from the blog of a hwachiongian (who doesnt noe me) who came back on fri to collect his a levels results

And after the high of yesterday, it's time to settle down and finalise what i want to do for the rest of my life. The JC chapter is closed with the release of the A level results. Sure, i'll be going back to Hwa Chong during special occasions (like Musical Soiree, MAF and the Homecoming Carnival for this year), but im an army guy now. However much i want to avoid this phase of life, i have to go thru it. And leave my jc life behind.

I won't want to think that leaving my jc life behind means that im breaking up the human to human ties i made during jc too. Unfortunately, some ties have to go, because they cannot be sustained outside the jc environment. In fact, some ties were forced to form in jc... they can't wait to dismantle it once the suitable time arrives.

It's sad when each of us has to go our own ways after we congregate in school one official last time to get the slips (that would include A level results, testimonial and PEARLS records) that evaluate our performance over the past two years.

And it's sad when we all become strangers all over again. The feeling when you try to acknowledge someone and when he returns a blank / puzzled look is quite bitter.

And it's sad too, when you absolutely do not know when you are going to see each other, if ever again. Must our pathways wander so far apart after they meet one time?

But i'll still treasure those jc-made ties that are still there, and should still be there in the near future. (list of names names)... i love all of ya!

(sadly but somehow, i think many of the others whose names r not here would disappear. They would fly away out of Singapore, continue slogging in school, or just abruptly disappear forever. Prove me wrong.)

But nothing can beat da gang of old frens, right? *flashes a grin to da bishan peeps and the txwds*

2004-03-03T08:06:00.000-08:00

decided to run for council

2004-03-03T05:50:00.000-08:00

1st of March, 2004, dat was 2 days ago.

in dat secluded space behind LT5 our class had a talk. the talk was representative enuf of the different cliques - I's, E's (only 2 latecomers actually) and the straddlers (as representative as it probably cld get with the conversation still remaining meaningful), dat i shall call it a class talk.

quite a few more number of ppl r indeed not happy with the class. it was not a surprise for me, just a confirmation. as i hav guessed, ppl in the class r putting on a mask. a happy mask. dat is making ppl miserable.

u feel miserable. but everywhere u look, u see happy faces. and u dunno whether ppl r really happy or they r just wearing masks. and u cant help feeling more miserable, cos u think the whole class is so happy, save u.

u cannot be further from the truth.

on the surface, our class seems so enthu, so happy, so UNITED. a facade.

during the talk, the facade is stripped, the masks r removed. at least, to those who r there. they hav found like-minded ppl. the talk ended with hope in the air. as our CT rep put it, "dun give up on our class yet."

i dunno wad dat means in practical terms. shall see.

-interlude of ramblings-

ppl shld bitch more. it is entertaining, educational and at times enlightening. gives u a deeper understanding and broader perspective of individuals, human nature and character. bitching does not really hurt anyone. and at times, not bitching might result in ppl being fake to each other. dat sux!

2nd intake. it wld be interesting to observe wad kind of effects the addition of new classmates wld hav on class social dynamics. i hope dat i can make real gd friends with at least a couple of the 2nd intakers, especially since it seems dat those leaving r some of the ppl i am closer to.

hmm, in a funny sense. i am quite eager to see cher hern (who has the honour of being the first person i mentioned by name in my blog) make it into humans just to see wad happens. dat wld really be interesting.

- -

after the class talk, i went home and mugged for hist test! 5 hrs straight. serious mugging, 7:30pm-12:30pm. then i went to sch next day and mugged some more! most likely screwed up my test, but dat is not the pt. i figured dat if i am to be a slacker, then i wld hav so much time (like in ri) i must as well mug!!

then i can enjoy the happiness attained from both slacking and working hard!

2004-03-02T05:10:00.001-08:00

1st of March, 2oo4, dat was yesterday.

some things happened yesterday. it was the first day of school after o'levels (for hc, and rj). naturally there r ppl (in my class and our sister class) talking bout their plans for the immediate future (and as usual, some in our class r totally oblivious). it was interesting to observe the different options dat ppl were considering, and their motivations behind these considerations. -Note, these considerations r very real.

the options range from hc arts to hc science to rj humans to rj arts. the motivations ranged from the very practical to the very irrational, including dislike of the class, stress from the program, stress from the 'super smart ppl in humans', fear of the inability to score in arts subjects, desire for greater prestige/scholarship prospects, etc.

talking with their friends who might be/were leaving, some ppl got quite emotional and broke down into tears. some who had previously decided to stay were now obviously tempted to leave as well, as a result of their frens wanting to leave. and i am faced with a scary and very sad prospect, dat of almost all of the close friends i made in hc leaving my class, the program or hc altogether... just when i am starting to feel i am finding my own niche in the class.

other things happened dat day dat i want to write bout. but i want to sleep now, so i shall just leave a small note here to remind myself of what i want to write. -the 'class' talk bhind the LT -mugging!

2004-03-02T05:10:00.000-08:00

1st of May, 2oo4, dat was yesterday.

some things happened yesterday. it was the first day of school after o'levels (for hc, and rj). naturally there r ppl (in my class and our sister class) talking bout their plans for the immediate future (and as usual, some in our class r totally oblivious). it was interesting to observe the different options dat ppl were considering, and their motivations behind these considerations. -Note, these considerations r very real.

the options range from hc arts to hc science to rj humans to rj arts. the motivations ranged from the very practical to the very irrational, including dislike of the class, stress from the program, stress from the 'super smart ppl in humans', fear of the inability to score in arts subjects, desire for greater prestige/scholarship prospects, etc.

talking with their friends who might be/were leaving, some ppl got quite emotional and broke down into tears. some who had previously decided to stay were now obviously tempted to leave as well, as a result of their frens wanting to leave. and i am faced with a scary and very sad prospect, dat of almost all of the close friends i made in hc leaving my class, the program or hc altogether... just when i am starting to feel i am finding my own niche in the class.

other things happened dat day dat i want to write bout. but i want to sleep now, so i shall just leave a small note here to remind myself of what i want to write. -the 'class' talk bhind the LT -mugging!

2004-02-28T05:55:00.000-08:00

consolation

inspirational words
awkward?

encouraging words
is dat wad u need?

happy words
will dat cheer u up?

wise words
will it get into ur head?

silent words of a friend
can u hear me?

2004-02-27T07:07:00.000-08:00

my top 3 happy weeks in this yr, thus far, not in order...
...of lvl of happiness, but of, unintentionally, chronology

orientation week, when everything appeared perfect

cny week, when i met 4p again and went genting

this week, when i finally found part of wad has been missing and dat i sorely missed - a sense of belonging... and the bittersweet experience of meeting 4p again.

when i got my results slip, i felt neither happy nor sad. i guess dat was cos i wasnt expecting anything. i hav no right to be happy. i did not put in dat much effort and certain of my grades cld hav been better. i hav no right to be sad. i didnt put in dat much effort, and i still get my 6 pts, albeit barely.

i somehow cant help feeling dat i am missing out on smthing. i shld feel happy, or at least sad (at my results). i dont. i chose my life to be the way it is, conciously, happily even. i chose to lead a slacker life, striving to achieve all my goals with the very minimal of effort. i gave up expectations, things dat i might hav expected in p6, sec 1, maybe 2, things like 10 a1s, and as such, i live a life, thus far, of very little dissapointments.

sound like a perfect life? i used to think it does. but then the opportunity cost dawned on me yesterday. it is happiness. not the kind u feel when u r doing things u like, or when u r with ur friends. it is a happiness dat i hav, to a large extent, foregone long ago, but hav experienced b4, last strongly felt, in sec 1, i think, at the end-of-yr exams. it is a happiness dat i hav, for the past 2 yrs especially, ignored, even denied.

it is the happiness of putting in the effort and doing hard work, 'doing ur best' (in inverted commas cos i still think doing ur best is always almost impossible), meeting ur own high expectations. naturally, this type of happiness comes with more dissapointments. it is even irrational cos at the end of the day, it is not ur expectations and 'doin ur best' dat matter in life, really. u can still get to the same place in life, regardless of whether u attended all of dr chionh's extra lessons or not, whether u scored 11 a1s or not, whether u 'did ur best' or not, whether u met ur own high expectations or not...

but i cant deny the existence of such happiness, irrational as it is, and if i remembered correctly, from some distant past in my life, and if i observed correctly, from some happy faces yesterday, then this form of happiness is actually worth it, even keeping in mind the tedious process and the risk of dissapointments inherently involved.

and with this new discovery of such a potentially significant opportunity cost of leading a slacky lifestyle, dat of the above-mentioned happiness, i am questioning my 'life philosophy' of finding happiness in a life of decadence...

i played around with the idea of going rj (humanz) yesterday. i found myself happy. (happy enuff to make me feel sad giving up the thot.)

then i realised dat dats cos i am ignoring certain things, like the opportunity cost of leaving hc and the prospects of not finding a cca in rj. and dat my assumptions might be too ambitious, dat of me getting into a nice class in rj, and not getting into the same class as a certain detestable, disgusting, egomaniacal and ugly person by the initials of tyx. (it is a person u (reader) wldnt, cldnt possibly, noe and thus, whose identity, u shldnt even try to guess.)

sorry dr chionh, but i did consider transferring to rj. sometimes it is not bout wad u like or dislike dat matters, sometimes, it just is.

if u r not in ur desired perfect environment in real life (as one rarely is), then the next closest thing u can get to it is to picture it in ur mind. for a short while anyway. it was gd while it lasted.

miss u, 4p.

i am now proud and happy to say dat i will really miss more than just a couple of ppl if they leave hc, and not just from my class. cldnt say dat a week ago.

sad to noe dat some might really be leaving.

all the luck, ppl.

p.s. thks dr chionh for ur concern and dat a1.

2004-02-25T02:07:00.000-08:00

i hav a lot of things to say bout my class. i will attempt to put them down in words. hopefully without offending any INDIVIDUALS.

most of the ppl in my class r split up into 2 big cliques dat NVR mixes. i shall cho0se to call one clique the I's and the other the E's. The I's r very quiet and stick to themselves most of the time, and most r content to do so. Their conversations tend to be, i feel, more involved, and generally deeper, not in terms of content, but in the sense dat they dwelved deeper into issues, deep or otherwise.

the E's r the popular crowd, if u will. they appear to be more happening, more into things, have more energy. their conversations r happy, fun(ny) ones (for the ppl engaged in the conversations). they laugh a lot when they talk (though most of the time, i wld think to myself, 'dat was actually funny?', and think to the gd old days of real (or my/4p) humour). they tend to go very far in their conversations, ALAS, by foregoing depth. this tendency, i feel, is due to the fact dat the individuals dat drive the conversations of the e's, ie the most popular ppl in class, r not gd listeners.

the I's sadly do not like most of the E's too much, and most of the E's are happily oblivious to the fact dat not everybody in the class is happy. quite sad actually.

i used to think there is a solution. now i think dat there r none. i used to think dat it is a matter of a mere lack of interaction. now i think dat it might have been so, but no longer. now i think it is abt ppl disliking others, and sadly, i think these feelings spawn from first impressions, and is accentuated by lack of interaction. it is also about ppl being too thick, too 'high', or too immersed in their own happiness/zai-ness to realise dat the class is not very united after all. (4p was united, rite? no?)

actually the above issue is not really dat big a prob. after all, the I's r content within their own clique. the E's r deliriously happy and in any case, they r oblivious to the dissatisfactions dat some ppl hav for the class. (Some E's r even oblivious to the I's in the class.) ...

... only i feel i dun exactly belong to either cliques. or put it another way, i cant be my whole true self in either clique. i need the deep, meaningful conversations, but at the same time, i need the energy - somewhere where my outbursts of energy will not come across as out-of-place. one of the many reasons i miss 4p -for the sense of belonging i feel there.

4p consists of many cliques. but dat is gd. cos most ppl can then find their own niche in class. didnt hav to be to pretentious and wear a mask, or pretend to like everyone else. and the cliques r not clearly defined. they existed harmoniously together. most ppl can straddle from cliques to cliques comfortably and interaction occurs among the cliques, may it be in the lan centres, or some makan place...

i know with which group (I's or E's) i feel more comfortable now. but i will still try to find more ppl. other ppl. talk more.

all the above, imho.

2004-02-23T06:03:00.000-08:00

blogging.

there were so many things i wanted to say. i will write them down when i remember.